


Parasomnia

by Johnjaesdad



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Blood and Gore, Bondage, Bottom Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Childhood Trauma, Crimes & Criminals, Dom Suh Youngho | Johnny, Dom/sub, Eventual Smut, Explicit Consent, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, Heavy BDSM, Introspection, Jaehyun is transgender, JohnJae-centric, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun is Whipped, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Serial Killers, Shameless Smut, Sub Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Top Suh Youngho | Johnny, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:48:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johnjaesdad/pseuds/Johnjaesdad
Summary: Jung Jaehyun is a kind, humanitarian soul.He only feels truly happy when he's helping others in need, in order to avoid his own problems and keep living like nothing's ever happened to him.Tormented by his past, he's quietly surviving in a life that's not always been easy on him, avoiding whatever could cause him to remember his past traumas and his emotions.But, sometimes, being quiet is a violent and unpleasant response to a very loud world, and that's how he met eyes with Johnny Suh.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Kim Jungwoo, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41





	1. Toxicity

**Author's Note:**

> ( English is not my first language, so I'm truly sorry if there will be any typos, errors and so on during the chapters.  
> I really wanted to try to expand my knowledge and a fanfiction about my favourite couples in NCT seemed like the perfect solution ).
> 
> IF YOU'RE REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT THESE FOLLOWING TOPICS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS, PLEASE AVOID THIS FANFICTION AT ALL COSTS, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE WORSE BY CHAPTER BY CHAPTER.  
> I DO NOT SUPPORT ANY OF THESE DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOUR AND I DO NOT INTEND TO ROMANTICIZE ANYTHING ABOUT THEM NOR I WANT TO GET PEOPLE HURT BY THEM.
> 
> ( T W . ) PLEASE READ CAREFULLY.
> 
> Past traumas and childhood traumas will be fully described: this means that sexual violence and abuse, pedophilia, phsychological violence, manipulative and demeaning behaviours, suicide, self harm, depression, homicides and graphic description would be included.  
> Presence of dysfunctional relationship in the past AND present.  
> Mental health issues discussed all along the chapters, especially PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Anger Issues, Internalized homophobia and transphobia, gender disphoria.  
> Sometimes homophobic/transphobic slurs are used by some characters.  
> Hybristophilia.  
> BDSM dynamics, possible "disturbing" kinks involved: blood play, breath play, torturing, humiliation, knife play, role play, consensual rape-simulation, forcing into submission, pet play.t
> 
> If any of these could possibly harm your mental health or your state of mind, please do not continue reading.  
> Safety first!

The first time he glanced at him, the shivers down his spine took his breath away.

With his feline-looking eyes and those tremendously hypnotic glares he'd give to the people around him, Jaehyun's mind was mesmerized by how attractive that tall stranger was: a modern-times Adonis, walking across the dancefloor.  
He didn't seem to be interested in making friendly acquaintances judging by how much he was avoiding the crowd of people standing in the middle of that tiny old pub, nor to be looking for someone to spend the night with, considering he was the only one of his group that wasn't ingaging in a conversation with a young woman, though he was the handsome one out of all the people in that group.

Jaehyun stared at him for at least thirty seconds, his mind completely fogged by the vision. His best friend stayed quiet for half of the time.

«Did someone catch your eye, Jaehyun?» Yuta was sitting right next to him, his mind at ease with the alcool he got to gobble. «You're quite silent».

«I just saw a guy who didn't seem to be korean, that's all».

«So? What's the big deal?»

«He was insanely tall and caught my interest. You know, sometimes I stare at people without even realize it... bad habit of mine».

Yuta glanced at his best friend, then moved back to his pint of beer, half empty. «Man, sometimes you're weird and I'm too drunk to understand».

Jaehyun let out a soft laugh, resting his back against the chair he was sitting on. «Nevermind Yuta, it was just a look out of curiosity».

«Didn't you take me out to say something important? We've been here for like... three hours and all we've been talking about was how much shit I've been through these past six months».

«Last time I checked my friend's mental health was much more important than some dumb idea I have in mind» Jaehyun replied with a soft smile on his face, impliying that what he really wanted to do was catching up and just hanging out for a bit.

In the last few days, his mind was constantly racing at an abnormally fast pace and that was because of some dumbass comments from a co-worker, regarding some issues that he couldn't deal with at the moment.

Too damn self reliant to be bothered into seeking help, though, Jaehyun had the wonderful idea of burying his feelings deep inside his chest, not being able to talk openly about what was bothering him: the anxiety grew up in his mind and he was “forced” to reach out to Yuta, asking if he was free to go grab some drinks and have a chat.

It was much easier to listen and to solve other people's problem than his own.

«Care to be less of a whoop-ass?» Yuta laughed and Jaehyun followed, trying not to get choked on his own drink at the word he used.

«Seriously? “Whoop-ass”?»

Yuta grunted, stretching his arms.

«God, I need to pee. I'm too drunk for this shit anyway».

Jaehyun eyed his friend standing up and stagger towards the bathroom, leaving him alone with two half alcoholic drinks on their table and the goddamn need to drink both of them.

Some of the words his co-worker said were still painful on his skin and burned through it like he's been marked with a hot iron: the adjective “disgusting trans-hoe” was howling in his mind, though it did not concern him at all.

They went out on a date, though Jaehyun had felt bad for breaking the law of his “not to date any co-workers” policy: he couldn't resist the cute smile the guy made at him when he asked him out and agreed to meet after dinner.

They enjoyed each other's company, Jaehyun felt amazing at his side, even comfortable, joking aroung with words, making him feel “seen” for what he is... but then, the reality took over the fantasy and he just.... realized how much that date was a total shitshow.

When a very tall woman approached the two of them, asking for a cigarette and a lighter that Jaehyun gladly yield to her, a warm smile on his face, his co-worker went suddenly quiet.  
He waited for the girl to thank the two of them and set off, before start talking hastily. «Did you realize that “she” was a “he”?»

«What?» Jaehyun eyed him suspiciously, his heart started to beat so fast he thought he was having an heart attack.

«That was a man dressed as a woman».

«...I think she was a woman».

«I'm pretty sure he was some kind of disgusting trans-hoe» he replied without even thinking about it, making Jaehyun pretty uncomfortable, ruining his entire mood.

«She» he corrected him, «and that's actually none of our business».

«Are you one of those people who thinks there are more than two genders?»

The sarcasm in his voice was stinging Jaehyun's patience, but he tried to keep a neutral tone of voice.

«I'm one of the people who doesn't feel the need to judge others. They can do whatever they want, it's still none of my business» said, grabbing his drink to finish it off and called it a day.

He was really trying not be so pissed off, but the urge to slap the guy out of his pathetic thoughts was too damn inviting not to be pursued... nonetheless he resisted the impulse.

«Alright, no need to be angry about it» cried the guy.

«I think it's getting late. We should head home, it's gonna be hell tomorrow at home».

Jaehyun tried not to give him the cold shoulder, but his words raced through his mind all night and he wasn't able to sleep not even for a straight hour.

He still wasn't able to get his goddamn mind to work properly and process his emotions like it should do.

The music was kind of loud for a pub like that, but he didn't mind it at all. At least he couldn't keep up with his train of thoughts and his eyes were glaring at the neon light throughout the entire dancefloor, looking for some interesting faces to stare at and study, even just for a bunch of seconds... but he found himself to be stared at by some ravenous eyes, hair pulled back and fixed a bit – incredibly, it was as if it was naturally put that way – meaty lips folded in a slight smirk.

It was the modern-times Adonis and Jaehyun felted his stare in his guts, down in between his legs.

“Get a fucking grip man...” he thought and stopped looking at the stranger, thinking about that “thing” as a small and unfortunate coincidence.

He could've meet eyes with anyone since he was in a public place, full of people that were looking for someone to hook up with.

«I think I really need to go home.» Yuta was back from his detour, still staggering a little bit. «I threw up a bit, I barely avoided to do it in the sink».

«Fuck, hyung, you should've told me». Jaehyun was fast on his feet, trying to help his friend standing up properly and walk decently. «Don't you have to work tomorrow?»

«This could be an excuse not to go» Yuta chuckled, his head hanging out a little bit. «I could use some time alone, it's been hell».

Jaehyun didn't argue with him, didn't speak his mind right away. _It would be useless,_ he thought, for which he didn't dare to agree or not with him.

He knew how much of a hot headed guy Yuta could be, especially when drunk, so he just took him out of the pub and called a cab.

«I can walk, you dumbass» said, his voice trembling a bit.

«Yeah, you sure can...»

Jaehyun waited patiently for his friend to get safe on the car, told the driver the address of his house and let them set off, watching the car disappearing after fifty feet, turning right at the first corner.

That had been a really strange evening for a Wednesday, but nevertheless, Jaehyun was satisfied with the sole idea of feeling tired, drained and maybe ready to sleep a decent amount of hours before going back to work the next morning.

He wasn't an heavy smoker, nor that was something that could consider a vice; but from time to time, Jaehyun liked to smoke something heavy, just to feel the taste of his favourite cigarettes on his tongue and let the smoke intoxicate his lungs for a bit.

Life was already so toxic, the least he could do was trying a poison that could help him relax a bit, even for just ten minutes.

«Your friend seemed really wasted».

That voice was definetely inadequate for his own mind; inadequate as in “too deep and sensual” for him to be really speaking to himself like that.

Jaehyun looked around the street for a bunch of seconds before getting to know who was really talking to him... than his eyes met the tall stranger he saw across the room just ten minutes ago.

He stayed silent for a moment, looking at the decisive cut of his jawline, his lips wrapped around a cigarette, his hands protecting its tip from extinguish.

The lighter's feeble flame lighted part of his face for a moment, before getting foggy because of the smoke he let out of his mouth.

«He drank too much, but he's had worse.» Jaehyun's voice was way softer than expected of his figure, but he kept a considerable distance from him. «It's nothing new to me».

«You seem like the kind of guy that would probably give up drinking and enjoying himself just because you would be too worried about your drunk group of friends. Did I picture it right?»

His voice was like the deep, cold, black water of the ocean at night; whenever he let out some words, Jaehyun would feel like his entire spine was dipped in ice and violent shivers would slowly reach the very end of his neck.

«You kinda guessed it right... but it's actually really bold of you to assume.» He still was a stranger, after all.

«As it is of you, but you guessed it right too» he answered, a feeble smile caressing the tips of his mouth.

Jaehyun felt confused for a bunch of seconds, when he realized what he meant; but his comeback was funny, so he just laughed lightly and then searched through his pockets for his phone, needing a cab himself to go home.

The stranger didn't let out any other word.

***

Either he was having a panic attack or the world just collapsed on his chest, crushing every single bone on his body and barely let him breathe his last whisper of life.

Jaehyun woke up early in the morning, eyes wide open, mind racing through thoughts full of anxiety.

He barely made it to the kitchen for a glass of water, his morning pills quickly swallowed as his breathe shortened by the minute and his thoughts twisted in a cyclical ouroboros of pain and intrusive emotions.

It was six in the morning and he already felt like shit, maybe because of the alcohol he drank last night, maybe because he just had one of those terrible nightmares in which his father's shadow kept following him wherever he went.

He stared at the empty sink of the small kitchen for what felt like an eternity, but it was actually twenty minutes. Then, he decided to dress up for work and go out without having breakfast first.

 _I should have it later, my stomach's too fucked up right now_ , thought while walking down the street to the underground station, waiting for the train to take him to his workplace.

He decided not to take a seat in the empty waiting room, but to stand up with his backpack hanging from a shoulder. For some kind of reason, Jaehyun was much more comfortable standing up, when having a panic attack, than sit down.

He could definetely focused better on his breathe, he could count how many seconds there were between an inspiration and expirtation and his stomach was definetely able to better process his terrible nausea.

“Somebody Else” by The 1975 was playin' through his airbuds when a kid approched him with a tiny, timid smile on his face, and Jaehyun was forced to stop the song.

«Hello, do you have two thousands won for the ticket? I left my pocket money at home with my mum and I really need to take this train, or I'll be late for school».

He stared at him for a moment, his hazel eyes seemed to sparkle under the cold lights of the subway.

Two thousands wons seemed nothing too unbearable.

«Of course. I could buy you a ticket right away».

«That's not necessary, I can do it myself» he insisted, but his voice remained soft. His accent was definitely not from Seoul.

Jaehyun studied the kid for a while, his guilt building up while doubting the words of the minor. Was it really necessary? Was it necessary being so egoist and not let that kid have his two thousands fucking won? For what?  
He was in pain, currently anxious about whatever things could happen in the near future (and without a reason for it) and he had got his paycheck on monday.

 _Fuck it._  
«Sure, no problem, there you go.» He lend out the money, taking them from the wallet in his right pocket and smiled to the kid. «Have a safe trip».

«Thanks!» And he set off, running away like a crazy little pony who was finally free from his owner, making Jaehyun thinking that he really was some of those little thiefs that roamed around subways and bus stations. He'd only hope that he could use that money for something that wasn't involved with drugs or stuff like that.

He searched again in his pockets, looking for his phone and, suddenly, the feeling of panic increased at an exponential rate.

That kid stole his fucking phone.

***

«Stupid adults».

What seemed to be a kid, was actually a young adult in his twenties, but his face was so clean and angelic that could've fooled the devil himself.

Sicheng'd roamed the streets since five thirty in the morning, looking for phones and money to steal, and all he could think of at the moment was how much easier had become to make money these past few weeks, since the lead of his group was given to Ten.

The guy was the real deal. His mind was sharp like a pocket knife and he had some economic basis of some sort of shit. At least, that's what Lucas said to him, but he didn't really listen to the other's talking about it.

He just didn't care that much; he was just content with the fact that he could make more money than he could ever imagined in his entire life.

He'd stolen five or six phones, bypassed their defense systems with the passpartout Yang Yang gave him and erased completely the data on them to be able to sell them right away on the black market.

A dumbass person bid them one hundred thousand won each, making Sicheng laugh at the idea.

«Sometimes I think they could be easily fooled just because I look like a kid. What makes them think I'd sell six smartphones for one hundred thousand won each?» he asked Yang Yang, rhetorically.

«I think they just want to bid a price that wouldn't affect their finances in a negative way».

«They are stupid» he said in cantonese, his lips curled in a disapproving way. «You shouldn't make an offer if you haven't got the money to buy something».

«I don't think it works that way, Sicheng» replied Yang Yang, calmly. «But just ignore it and see if there's other people interested».

«Three hundred and fifty thousand won. Are they kidding me?»

«What kind of phones did you stole?»

«I think they are mostly Samsung galaxies and Iphones. Let me check.» And he got off his bed to look at the phones on his desk, while Yang Yang was still focusing his eyes on the big computer screen his client gifted him a month ago.

«I've got two Galaxies S8 Edge, Three Iphones 8... maybe 7, I don't really know the difference, and a Huawei P30».

«Too old, that's why they're bidding them so low».

«They're fucking phones!» Sicheng enraged with discontent, looking at the phones like they were the ugliest things on Earth. «How come they're “old”?»

«Every year there's a new version of those phones on the market. That's basic capitalism and anti-utilitarianism.» Yang Yang finally gave a look at a Sicheng. «Why are your clothes so dirty?»

«I don't know what you are talking about» he replied, grunting. «I fell while I was running from a stranger and got dirty because of the mud outside. It started raining heavily this morning».

«Go wash up and then change your bedsheets, come on. You start to stink».

Sicheng stuck out his tongue before grunting again, then went to the bathroom, knowing Yang Yang was right about the stink and the bedsheets.

Sometimes he just wasn't aware about his phisical state, too used to live in the dirt, so his best friend had to remind him of what he should or shouldn't do, like he was his mom tryind to educate his stubborn newborn kid.

«Are you hungry? I can make some baozi for you» shouted from their bedroom. «It's almost one o'clock, I'm starting to feel like my stomach is collapsing over itself».

«Yeah, you do that. Make some noodles too, Lucas should be back in half an hour and I don't want to share my food with him. He'll eat everything you make and leave nothing to me» said barricated in the bathroom.

«Okay, I'll make noodles too. Clean yourself good, I warn you: you won't be allowed in the kitchen if you're still dirty».

Sicheng echoed Yang Yang's warning, making him laugh while going to the kitchen.

He was a weird, quiet kid, but from time to time, he allowed himself to just “be”, especially around Yang Yang and Kun, that were the caring and calm ones in the group.

Sometimes, he joked around with Lucas, too, but the guy was too loud to let him really be; so he just enjoyed his company without letting him know too much of himself.

Nonetheless, Sicheng was a true listener and an observer, but couldn't really help out others with words, because he often didn't know what to say to people or how to relate to them, emotionally.

He felt like an outsider and an outcast, most of the times, but it was less of a feeling right now, just because he'd found a home in that tiny group of people.

He put his clothes in the dirty laundry's basket, he washed himself up and used Lucas' sweet scented shampoo with his fluffy dark brown hair, knowing he finished his bottle two days ago.

When he was all cleaned up and ready, he put on his warm pijama and went to the kitchen.

«Smells good in here» said, taking his usual seat at the table, leaning on it a bit and crossing his legs in a strange way.

«It also tastes good. Wanna try it?»

Yang Yang reach out a hand to Sicheng to give him a fresh made baozi, which he gladly took and ate.

«It's perfect» said between a bite and another. «How many did you made?»

«Twelve, is it enough?»

«I like the number, so it's okay».

«Glad to hear it. Are you going to help me laying the table?»

Sicheng nodded, calmer than ever. He didn't even look at the phone, he wasn't really in the mood to sell at the moment: he thought about it in the shower long enough to get to the conclusion that phones was a total bullshit market to be involved in.

He took the tablecloth and started to arrange it, when the doorbell rang and he went to see who was at the door.

«It's me.» The metallic voice from the other side was unmistakable, but Sicheng was a real player sometimes.

«“Me”, who?»

«Open up, it's raining! Come on!»

Sicheng chuckled before pushing the right button and let Lucas in the building, waiting for him from up the stairs. «There's noodles waiting for you!»

The guy was really tall and had this sempiternal big smile in his eyes that made him really friendly-looking, like a giant human labrador that was ready to play anytime.

«Just noodles?! Man, I've been eating them all week» replied while fixing his hair, looking finally up at Sicheng face while go up the last steps of the stairs.

«There's baozi too. Sicheng didn't want you to eat them all».

Sicheng looked at Yang Yang, showing up at the door, dead in the eyes, but said nothing. He was clearly feeling betrayed.

Lucas made a “really?” face and then started laughing. «I'm starving, I could eat them all».

«Don't, I'm gonna choke you» replied Sicheng, deadly serious. «I could gave you one or two only if you help me selling the phones that I stole this morning».

«Deal. What phones?»

The three of them sat in the kitchen after a couple of minutes, noodles and baozis ready to be eaten, Sicheng's phone in the middle of the table while Lucas was examining the bids.

«You should sell them for four hundred thousand won each, but I wouldn't dare ask for more. It's just safer this way, and you could target richer people next time... it's not that you lose anything selling these things» said, after a long moment of silence, giving his modest opinion.

«So it's actually a shitty deal?» asked Sicheng, grunting.

«No, it's actually not...»

«Seems like it, though».

Lucas eyes Sicheng for a moment, thank looked at Yang Yang's calm aura. He asked himself how could be so composed sometimes.

«It's not. Look, if you want, I could deal with your sell myself and help you out, but I can't make miracles».

«What would you like in return?»

«It's a small favor».

Sicheng bit his baozi while looking at his phone, absent-minded. «Shoot».

«I need you to steal something from a person. Nothing dangerous, just... steal it.» Lucas' voice became similar to a whisper, like he was in some kind of shame, though Sicheng didn't really feel it that way.

«Yeah, what is it?»

Yang Yang looked at Lucas like he was some kind of alien; maybe he knew what he was going to say, but didn't really want to spoil it. Or could'nt do it.

«It's a watch».

«A... watch?» he repeated, with uncertainty in his voice.

«Again, Yukhei?» This time, Yang Yang wasn't able to resist. «Back at it again with the fucking watch».

«It's important to me, I need it!»

«It's _a watch»._

«That _I need_ ».

Sicheng just enjoyed the arguing, cupping his face in his hands.

«Can't you just... buy another one? What's with this watch anyway?» Yang Yang asked after a couple of minutes, semi-exhausted.

«I gave it to this person because I thought they would keep it safe. But I ended up broking up with them and that's it. Now they won't give it back and will probably sell it».

«Dumbass» grunted the other, while Sicheng allowed himself another baozi.

«Who do you gave it to?» he asked.

«I will tell you later. First lemme see what I can do for these shitty phones...»

***

How he could survive without his phone, Jaehyun didn't actually know.

He tried to ask for help, but couldn't really receive some, so he missed his train just for a damn phone and ran to the nearest store to buy one.

Now even those two thousand won seemed so much money to lose.

He barely made it to a tiny electronic shop. It was eight in the morning and he hadn't really accomplish anything, except for let a kid steal his phone and got caught up under heavy rain without even an umbrella to use.

He shelter under the shop's awning and duck on his knees to catch his breath: he really ran for what could be considered a mile or more, and now he was really tired.

On the bright side, though, the pain in his chest calmed down and he didn't really feel anxious anymore.

 _Well, I ran a mile under the rain. I guess my mind's at peace right now,_ he thought, not noticing the two men that were approaching the shop with keys in their hands and a bit of drowsiness in their eyes.

«You seem like you need a towel and a moment to rest for a bit».

That voice was familiar, but Jaehyun couldn't really place it on a particular face. It didn't belong to anyone he really knew, but it'd hit the same way.

He looked up at the speaker and found out he was the guy from that old pub. The one that approached him so boldly, the Adonis-looking one.

Now Jaehyun could see his face clearly and those intriguing eyes of his, before the other guy caught his eyes and ears with his high pitched voice and his really cute face.

«Do you know this guy, Johnny?»

So that was his name. Johnny.

He knew he wasn't korean, he felt it.

«A stranger I met last night at that pub I told you about. We shared five feet of street just to smoke a cigarette».

Johnny – now he could finally stop to look at him like he was some kind of strange, handsome and nameless alien – winked at Jaehyun, a warm smile across his face.

He seemed pretty different from the night before, given how much of a player he seemed: was it because he tried to hit on him and he didn't even give him a chance?

Was Jaehyun just imagining things? Because he was pretty good at building up worlds and situations that meant nothing in reality.

«Oh, got it. So you don't actually know him» asked the other guy, again. «Are you okay?»

Jaehyun got up again, trying to avoid the looks they gave him when he showed himself fully, allowing them to see that he was actually soaked up.

«I just... had a rough start in the morning. I need to buy a phone, the cheapest you have. And a sim card» he said, trying not to say too much about what happened.

He was really quiet and reserved, he didn't like to share too many facts about his life.

«Oh man» said the nameless guy, eyeing the new customer. «Did you lose your phone?»

«Kind of... it's a long story».

He cut it short, before coming in the shop right after them.

Johnny seemed a very quiet type of guy, but now that Jaehyun saw him under a natural grey light, his face seemed more friendly than he ever thought hours ago, when he saw him across the dancefloor.

Maybe it was because of the hair, definetely arranged in a different way, going down his forehead with a soft wave.

«So, the cheapest phones are over here, while for the sim card you should sign some papers. What operator do you prefer?» asked Johnny, while allowing his co-worker to go on the back of the shop, doing whatever he had to do.

«I had KT, so that one is fine...»

Jaehyun bent over the glass to look for the best and cheapest phone he could think of, but couldn't really decide because of any rational reasons: he just knew he always had a Samsung and he was fine with it.

«I need to collect your data. Can you give me your ID card or your license, please?»

«Of course, yes! A moment...» Jaehyun searched through his pockets, trying to find his wallet and then give Johnny his ID, which he carefully looked at before pressing it against the card reader.

«Jaehyun, huh? Lovely name» he commented, after sliding some papers through the table and lend him a pen. «Please sign here and here. It's for your privacy».

Jaehyun felt his ears going red, but tried to ignore it. «Yes... you're real name is Johnny?»

«Jonathan».

«It suits you and it's rare to hear a name like that here».

Johnny chuckled.

«It's a pretty common name in America».

«You're american?» he asked curiously.

«Born and raised».

«I thought you weren't entirely korean. Your face looks different from anyone else in here, your figure hits right away when you enter a room».

«That's why you were staring at me for so long, last night?»

Jaehyun felt like dying for a minute, but managed not to stutter or do anything strange. «I have the bad habit of staring at people».

«Never thought it was a bad habit».

Johnny smiled a bit and Jaehyun could feel the earth under his feet spread apart and swallow him whole.   
What was wrong with him?

«Well... I need the Samsung phone, anyway. The one in the right corner» he answered, trying to avoid that uneasy sensation that took over his whole body, bones and soul.

«Right away, _Jaehyun_ ».

His name, pronounced by those lips, felt more mischievous than ever.


	2. Straightforward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun finds out that his roommate Taeyong has invited over an high school friend and is surprised to see he "knows" him too.  
> Jungwoo recently broke up with whom considered to be the love of is life and Yuta tries to reason with him.  
> Sicheng tries to steal the watch for Lucas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( English is not my first language, so I'm truly sorry if there will be any typos, errors and so on during the chapters.  
> I really wanted to try to expand my knowledge and a fanfiction about my favourite couples in NCT seemed like the perfect solution ).
> 
> IF YOU'RE REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT THESE FOLLOWING TOPICS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS, PLEASE AVOID THIS FANFICTION AT ALL COSTS, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE WORSE BY CHAPTER BY CHAPTER.  
> I DO NOT SUPPORT ANY OF THESE DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOUR AND I DO NOT INTEND TO ROMANTICIZE ANYTHING ABOUT THEM NOR I WANT TO GET PEOPLE HURT BY THEM.
> 
> ( T W . ) PLEASE READ CAREFULLY.
> 
> Past traumas and childhood traumas will be fully described: this means that sexual violence and abuse, pedophilia, phsychological violence, manipulative and demeaning behaviours, suicide, self harm, depression, homicides and graphic description would be included.  
> Presence of dysfunctional relationship in the past AND present.  
> Mental health issues discussed all along the chapters, especially PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Anger Issues, Internalized homophobia and transphobia, gender disphoria.  
> Sometimes homophobic/transphobic slurs are used by some characters.  
> Hybristophilia.  
> BDSM dynamics, possible "disturbing" kinks involved: blood play, breath play, torturing, humiliation, knife play, role play, consensual rape-simulation, forcing into submission, pet play.t
> 
> If any of these could possibly harm your mental health or your state of mind, please do not continue reading.  
> Safety first!

He never expected himself to be longing for that particular weekend so much: not that anything had to happen, but he was just so overwhelmed by the events that happened during the whole week that he just needed to go back at his place, lock himself up in his bedroom and just sleep the entire time.

Taeyong could've survived without him cooking, since both of them were really skilled at it, so Jaehyun wasn't really worried about his friend's well being, since out of all his acquaintances, he seemed the more responsible guy, in terms of surviving; if there was something “bad” to be said about Taeyong, it was just that he was lazy sometimes, even though he didn't look like a lazy person at all since he was always working and doing his best in everything he could... but then, in those four walls of calmness, you could look for him anywhere and he would always sit down in front of his computer playing games and being quiet for most of the time.

Not that he didn't care about Jaehyun or every other friend, but – and that's one of the reasons why Jaehyun really liked being his roommate – he really needed some time alone from week to week, his own personal safe space to recharge his mood and be able to confront another week of social interactions.

And, on the same level, Jaehyun needed the same.

Sometimes they just stood in their rooms, each minding their own business without holding a grudge to one another – God, Jaehyun was so glad –, sometimes they just sit on the sofa watching a movie together, cuddling one another or just sitting at different lenghts on the sofa.

Sometimes they even let out a little bit of what was going on in their minds and the other one listened in silence, trying to understand or give a little help.

Then it was all back to normal and they went on with their routines, confronting another week of different work schedules, different people, different bullshit.

«Welcome back home, Jae!» Taeyong lightly waved a hand in his direction, his eyes still focused on the pan he was using to fry something that, Jaehyun thought, smelled delicious.

«Hello, Yongie.» He kicked his shoes off and put them in the shoe rack, then went to the bathroom to wash his hands properly and, short after, was back in the kitchen helping out with the side dishes.

«How was your day?» asked the pink-haired guy, a feeble smile on his lips.

«Terrible. I had a really bad written script to review» answered Jaehyun, while preparing his famous homemade kimchi. «What about yours? Was it any good?»

«It actually was, Jae, thanks for asking.» Taeyong smiled, his face brightened, meaning it really had been a wonderful day.

«What happened?»

«I've met a friend I haven't seen in months and we got to talk about a lot of things. We actually work really close to each other, so we agreed on having lunch together from time to time... and I've invited him over after dinner, so I'm really looking forward to spend some time with him and introduce you to him. I think you'll really like him» he explained with a soft voice.

Jaehyun felt actually glad by the fact that Taeyong tried to distract him from any negative thoughts, and it would've been even easier with a stranger at their place; maybe he'd joined them for a chat and then it would've been easier to go to bed and sleep his sadness away.

«Where did you guys meet the first time?» he asked, while laying the table and arranging two plates at each side, a salad bowl and a bottle of water.

«We met at school and we graduated together. We were best buddies... – we still are. And he actually stood always up for me when the bullying started, so our relationship is really based on mutual trust» Taeyong explained it without any embarassment; Jaehyun knew, more or less, what happened to him during High School: it surely hadn't been easy for him to manage to survive, but the fact that he had a friend like the one that he invited over made Jaehyun realize that he'd been really lucky, nonetheless.

Some people never survived High School, phisically or mentally.

Others never actually attended it for some reasons.

They ended up talking to each other about completely different topics over dinner: from the main topic they moved onto a new videogame Taeyong was obsessed with, asking Jaehyun to try it with him and his friend after dinner.

Jaehyun agreed to him after some indecisive moments, but ended up thinking that it could've been actual fun to play along with other people.

He helped out washing the dishes before going to his own bathroom to take a shower and he stayed there for at least thirty minutes, trying to have a moment for himself and actually let some of the stress he felt slide away from his body along with hot water and soap.

He realized later that Taeyong's guest was already in the living room with him and that they were only waiting for Jaehyun to show up.

He felt a bit uneasy.

«I'm sorry. I really needed a lond shower» he said after he came in the room where the other two were sitting, bowing lightly to apologize and then met eyes with the guest.

Blood stopped flowing in his veins and his brain went frenzy before shutting down completely: Johnny was Taeyong's friend.

_That Johnny,_ the one he eyed at the pub, the one who sold him his new phone and called him by name with a really sexual undertone... he was that Johnny, he was that friend.

«Hello Jaehyun» he responded, a soft smile on his face, making him more of an enigma. «Have you

found your lost phone, in the end?»

Taeyong looked at the two of them like he was either really confused or shocked. «Do you know each other?»

«We don't, actually» Jaehyun answered quickly, before Johnny could say anything bad about him staring at people in the pub. «I lost my phone Wednesday and I got to buy another one at his shop».

«Oh, yeah, I remember.» said Taeyong, looking at both of them. «But you never actually mentioned you got to his shop. It's near my workplace» pointed out after a bit, with neutral voice.

«Well, now you know» replied Jaehyun, taking a seat on the armchair, leaving the sofa to the two friends who already started playing the game Taeyong mentioned before.

«Well, we need no introductions, then!» he continued happily, pausing the game for a bit. «What about your phone, Jaehyun?»

«I never actually got to take it back, so for now I'll just have to stick with the one I bought from Johnny... it works quite well for a cheap phone, I'm actually satisfied» said Jaehyun, cuddling up in his armchair and throwing a blanket on his legs.

«Well, I made sure the insurance covered a whole bunch of things, so if it stops working properly just tell me.» Johnny reached out his hand to an half empty can of beer, taking a long sip from it.

«Yeah, thanks. It's actually pretty thoughtful...» Jaehyun looked at him for a bit, than at Taeyong, who was drinking orange juice instead.

«It's just how it works, but you're welcome» he replied, taking his joystick to continue playing with his high school friend.

For a moment, Jaehyun felt silly and his ears went a bit red, but then he just sat there, watching the game and listening to their conversation whenever they talked, silently.

He wasn't the kind of guy that could perfectly fit in: sometimes he had his hard time to understand how to not be awkward or too introvert in social events, but so was Taeyong.

The problem now was that his friend knew Johnny well enough to feel awkward or left out from a conversation, but Jaehyun felt a bit constraint, maybe because his initial thoughts aboyt Johnny were all about his phisical appearance and how much resembled a mithological beauty... but, of course, Johnny couldn't read his mind, so the awe he felt was entirely on himself.

After thirty minutes of watching the two of them playing, Jaehyun stood up and searched through his pockets for a cigarette and his lighter and got the attention of the other two, that patiently waited for an explation.

«I'm going on the balcony to smoke a bit» he said. «I'll be back in ten».

«Didn't you quit smoking?» asked Taeyong, eyeing him suspiciously.

«Yes, but from time to time I smoke something. I bought this three months ago.» And he showed them the red and white Marlboro package.

«Can you lend me one? I really need some smoking too» asked Johnny, bending a bit forward and bearing his shoulder's weight with the elbows on his knees.

«Sure... Taeyong, do you want one?»

«No, I'm good... the smoke makes me feel nauseous, so I'll be waiting for you here» he replied and let the other two go on the balcony on the first floor without him.

They sat out in silence, temperatures dropping radically while september was turning into october, and they shared Jaehyun's black lighter, one sitting on the only chair available there and the other one leaning against the railing.

«I used to smoke Marlboro in high school, but I didn't remember they tasted like this...» said Johnny short after his second puff.

«What do they taste like?»

«Awfully sour... like shit, basically».

Jaehyun chuckled, trying to relax a bit. He was just nervous because of how his week went, nothing more. Johnny seemed like a pretty cool guy to hang out with and a lot less of a douchebag like he initially thought at the pub.

«Well, they're pretty strong... but when I smoke one of these, than I'm good for weeks... or days, it depends on my mood».

«Then you shouldn't be doing really good if it's the second one you smoke this week».

There you go again. The motherfucker.

«Aren't you a pretty straightforward guy?» he was clearly ironic, with a bit of intentional sarcasm.

«I like to speak my mind» he answered with a smile on his face, making his features softer and younger.

Jaehyun stared at him for two seconds, before looking away. «You have no shame at all».

«But you didn't denied you're not doing good».

«Honestly it's really none of your business...»

«As it was any of your business staring at me for a minute straight, but you did it anyway.» Johnny's voice was playful, even defiant; Jaehyun knew right away he was teasing him and read him like he was an open book to him, and this thing made him kinda unsure on how to respond.

He really wasn't the type of guy who liked to be vulnerable with others and he kept his secrets well hidden. That's why he liked Taeyong's company: he never asked anything and let Jaehyun figuring his emotions and answers on his own.

It was always on them if they decided to seek their help or dealing with their problems on their own... because they were really understanding of each other's spaces and needs.

Johnny, instead, was giving Jaehyun the "being a person who knew too much even without saying anything to them" kind of vibe.

Too dangerous, too confident... he reminded him of a person who really got his mind twisted in a sick and mental game.

Maybe that was the real reasons why he felt really exposed with him: the vibes he gave off.

«If this is a game, I don't like it».

«What game?»

Johnny kept staring at him the whole time Jaehyun stayed quiet. He kept looking at him like he was some kind of unfinished Canova's piece of art, with lots of potential but rough edges that needed to be smoothed.

His eyes were deeply involved in the perception of what he could've been and Jaehyun felt that familiar shivers sliding down his entire spine like they were on a free fall.

«You're studying me. I don't like it».

«You don't have to like it... it's just what I do with people I find interesting» he explained, puffing the smoke away from his mouth.

Jaehyun looked at him again like he was some kind of alien. «Why would you think a stranger could be interesting?»

He, again, was lying to himself; Jaehyun was the first one who could find interesting facets in a stranger's way of portraying themselves and he loved to studying the unknown aspects of someone's mind, fantasizing about what people could or couldn't be.

«I could ask you the same question, Jaehyun» said Johnny, relaxing his shoulders. «You're not a really good liar, are you?»

«Based on how frank and direct you've been with me the entire time, I could think the same of you».

«And you'd thought right» he laughed. «I can hide it well, though. But I can't lie».

«"Hide it well"... you mean that people wouldn't know if you were lying because you're distracting them with you're being frank».

«That's right. See? We're not so different, after all».

Jaehyun smiled lightly, feeling like he'd won the challenge that was going on between them and caught Johnny smiling too.

«I wanted to ask you on a date, though» said the taller guy once they both finished smoking, still relaxed against the chair's back. «I actually find you pretty handsome and I wanted to ask you at the pub. Then I gave up the minute you took your phone to call a cab».

Jaehyun felt his ears turning red pretty quickly and his cheeks were on fire.

«Why?»

«Why... what?»

«Why would you ask me on a date?»

«Isn't it how you get to know people a bit more?»

Jaehyun felt stupid at the thought that he really _asked the reason why._ «So you weren't annoyed about me staring? That was just another joke?»

«If it hadn't been for you staring at me, I wouldn't even noticed you. I was too annoyed by my friends to really pay attention to others... so, would you go on a date with me?»

Jaehyun felt a bit awkward giving how badly went his last get together... but Johnny wasn't a co-worker and surely didn't seem like the type of guy who was quick to judgmental thoughts.

He nodded slightly. «Sure... when?»

«I'll come here and pick you up tomorrow night after dinner, sounds good?»

He nodded again and found himself grateful that Johnny was the one in charge of decisions.

* * *

It hadn't been easy those past few days, but Jungwoo managed to get way ahead of his own feelings, even if he had to swallow them like the most sour pill he'd ever take.

He needed to move on and quickly put an end to that bullshit so-called relationship that hadn't been nothing but pain and anger.

Why would he even date a younger man? He knew they were all stupid ass fake babies with cute faces and no sense of commitment... and he could really make an Oxford ass speech out of it since he dated so many younger men he lost count. But really, the last one was a total disaster and he literally would punch someone if his name was to be brought up even in a random conversation.

He was just _so_ angry.

«That poor toast didn't do anything to you, Woo...» said his roomate. «Every morning you're torturing your breakfast like it is... him. You should really let go».

«How? I still have his stupid ass watch» he replied to Yuta while stabbing that poor buttered toast. «I definetely should break it or sell it. But I knew how much he meant to him and I'm still a good person, so I've been temporizing».

«It's just a watch, Jungwoo, it doesn't concerne you. Just sell it and get over with it. He'll buy another one».

«Would you say the same if it was you that gave out his most precious memory?»

«I wouldn't give it to anyone, anyway. It's my past, I won't gift it to some stranger» Yuta's voice was calm and neutral, but still full of truth. He wasn't the romantic type of guy, he was pretty practical even if he liked to be affectionate with his partners.

«We weren't strangers» Jungwoo pointed out.

«Still, Jungwoo. If you care so much about something and it's related to your past, you just keep it to yourself. You show others maybe, but you don't "gift it" after two months of dating».

«He said it was his way of showing commitment».

«I can see how much he meant it».

Jungwoo fell dead silent for three seconds, before replying to him. «You should make me feel better, not an idiot».

«I should make you feel like you did an honest mistake and he was a douche. Keeping it real. Next time I wouldn't be so naive if I were you».

Yuta looked at him with neutral eyes, letting out a sigh short after he saw the face Jungwoo made when he called him "naive".

«Don't get it too personal Woo, it's just how it is. The faster you get to shield yourself from people who mean no good to you, the better. I'm your friend and I wouldn't ever lie to you. If I didn't care I wouldn't be so straightforward».

«I know. It's just that now I feel like I was the one who believed in us too much and he was just another player».

«There's nothing wrong in having faith in someone... but you should take care of yourself first, otherwise people will get the best of you and then leave you with nothing more than an empty shell».

Jungwoo passively bit his toast.

He heard what Yuta said, but didn't listen as much as he would've wanted to, though if he'd been less angry, he would've agreed with him.

He let out a sigh of disappointment. «I don't think I'm ready for your speeches... I just need a hug, Yuta».

His roomate looked at him for a bit, before standing up, walking to the other side of the table, taking a sit next to Jungwoo and lay an arm over his shoulders, letting him eat while hugging for a bit. «Just ask, Woo. Anything you need, you know».

Jungwoo smiled lightly: Yuta could be too straightforward sometimes, but he sure was a really good friend.

* * *

Sicheng waited all morning for a sign.

He looked at the car, looked at the people who were roaming around the street, he sat on a bench looking at some dogs walking with their owners, he pat a stray cat on their head and scratched their ears, got stuck with his nose up in the air because of some strange but delicious smell that couldn't really place in his mind and then, after a long waiting, he saw the two guys he was watching coming out of their home.

The boy didn't really care about where they were going: he had a job to do and he'd do it without looking back; no regrets.

There were his money on the lane; Lucas managed to sell five phones out of six and advised Sicheng to keep one for himself, since they were still good phones and he could really use one... but he was so used to not carry a cellphone with him that he forgot it at home.

He didn't really need one.

He didn't really care.

Several minutes after they left, Sicheng approached the building's entrance and politely asked some stranger at the entryphone to open the door for him, because he forgot the key in his apartment.

He showed his face to the camera and smiled warmly, looking like a cute angel fallen directly from Heaven and he easily got the woman to open the door for him.

He thanked her with enthusiasm and went up the stairs until he reached the second floor and opened the door with the key Lucas cloned two days ago.

The apartment was small and a complete mess: there were piles of clothes on a chair that seemed to be there since the beginning of times; there were dirty stoves in the sink and what seemed to be paper balls all around the floor.

He surely wasn't the tidier person in the world, but he wasn't even that desperate... he shook his head, averting his thoughts to try and focus on what he had to do.

Lucas showed him a picture of the watch he had to "steal" and he perfectly remembered every feature: Sicheng's strongest characteristic was certainly his photographic memory and everyone knew it in his group, so that whenever there was a job like that to be done, Sicheng was always involved.

He roamed around the kitchen attached to the living for a moment, gloves protecting his hands from leaving fingerprints anywhere, and then he looked for the watch in one of the two bedrooms, not really knowing to whom it belonged to.

He didn't really care about leaving everything as it was, just because the rooms were so messy it was impossible to "leave it" as no one messed up with it, so he just looked through piles of clothes and drawers just to find nothing. At least, in the first bedroom.

The last one was less messy, clean to a certain extent. It had its logic, that was what Sicheng thought firsthand.

And there, in a drawer, there was the infamous watch, under four pair of socks and a white and pink small dildo that Sicheng didn't dare to touch even with gloves.

How come he knew what a dildo was, that was on Yang Yang: one night, he found him with one up his ass and he got so shocked he slept on the couch for a week and couldn't look at him in the face without blushing or thinking about how loud he was.

He really wasn't aware about sex or anything concerning it; he'd always prefer to avoid the subject and think about other things in life, like making easy money to survive or what he could've done with a million won in his pockets.

He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn't even noticed the sounds keys made in the door lock; he wasn't aware that someone've entered the house and now they were behind his back, trying to figure out what to do with that intruder.

Then there was pain.

Sicheng's eyes rolled up, showing the white of his sclera and he got knocked out in two seconds.


	3. Concert.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sicheng steals Lucas' watch from Jungwoo and Yuta's apartment, but it doesn't end as well as Sicheng thought it would.  
> Mark's having his first solo concert at a crowded pub and Johnny takes Jaehyun there for their date, meaning to have a good time and support his long-time friend in his debut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( English is not my first language, so I'm truly sorry if there will be any typos, errors and so on during the chapters.  
> I really wanted to try to expand my knowledge and a fanfiction about my favourite couples in NCT seemed like the perfect solution ).
> 
> IF YOU'RE REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT THESE FOLLOWING TOPICS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS, PLEASE AVOID THIS FANFICTION AT ALL COSTS, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE WORSE BY CHAPTER BY CHAPTER.  
> I DO NOT SUPPORT ANY OF THESE DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOUR AND I DO NOT INTEND TO ROMANTICIZE ANYTHING ABOUT THEM NOR I WANT TO GET PEOPLE HURT BY THEM.
> 
> ( T W . ) PLEASE READ CAREFULLY.
> 
> Past traumas and childhood traumas will be fully described: this means that sexual violence and abuse, pedophilia, phsychological violence, manipulative and demeaning behaviours, suicide, self harm, depression, homicides and graphic description would be included.  
> Presence of dysfunctional relationship in the past AND present.  
> Mental health issues discussed all along the chapters, especially PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Anger Issues, Internalized homophobia and transphobia, gender disphoria.  
> Sometimes homophobic/transphobic slurs are used by some characters.  
> Hybristophilia.  
> BDSM dynamics, possible "disturbing" kinks involved: blood play, breath play, torturing, humiliation, knife play, role play, consensual rape-simulation, forcing into submission, pet play.t
> 
> If any of these could possibly harm your mental health or your state of mind, please do not continue reading.  
> Safety first!

_Oh my god I've killed a man._

That was his very first thought after the stranger in his house passed out.

He got someone killed because he panicked and he didn't know what else to do to prevent that guy from running away?

He really should've called the police, but by the time they would've got to the house, the thief sure would've fought his way out of there.

Yuta wasn't sure about what to do; he certainly didn't expected the boy to fall right away after he got him knocked out with the book he casually grabbed.

And now he was on the floor unconscious.

What to do? Was he really dead?

After he got back to his senses he checked his pulse and it seemed okay; he checked his head where he hit him and there was no blood nor seemed to be broken.

He sighed. What the hell was he going to do, now?  
Could he really call the police knowing he'd hit a stranger and got him knocked out? Could he be considered safe from any inspection? Did he commit a crime too?

He stared at the thief for what could be considered an eternity, trying to think his way out of that mess, anger growing up in his mind: damn, he wasn't the one that should've felt guilty about what he did. He should've been outraged and yet, he felt like he was the one to blame.

The kid moved his right hand, showing Yuta that he was slowly regaining consciousness and let out a moan of pain, which the guy responded to by sitting on the back of the kid and pinning his wrists against the floor, trying to make him stay still until he decided what to do.

«You better not scream or I swear to god, I'm gonna tie you up to a chair and call the police» he said, his voice shaking lightly because of the adrenaline he felt and how much insecure he was about his actions. He felt like he was detaining a poor, innocent soul in Hell, yet, he was the one going through hell because of him.

Sicheng was confused, quiet and pinned to the floor like he was in some kind of strange comedy of which he wasn't aware of. He slowly gained his consciousness back, but his head was still hurting a lot and he felt like he was on a roller coaster and everything was spinning around him.

He even felt like throwing up, but instead he just let out a few words. «You're hurting me» he cried, his voice lighter than usual just to disguise himself as a younger boy. «Let me go!»

«You trespassed my house! You tried to steal whatever and you're telling me to let you go! What the fuck is going on in your mind, kid?!» he said in an angry tone of voice.

He couldn't believe his ears and he barely controlled his words, even if the guy seemed really young, like a teenager, and surely didn't seem dangerous; but for Heaven's sake, he trespassed and tried to steal in his own house in broad daylight.

«Don't be so angry, I wasn't gonna steal anything meaningful. I just needed the watch your roommate stole from Xuxi» he replied, outspoken. «And you're really hurting me, stop it or I'll report you».

Yuta was shocked and confused: how dare he; how dare he was talking to him like he was at fault and the one to blame for all that shit.

«Excuse me? What did you say?» he asked rhetorically, but the trap Sicheng had set seemed to really work out: he'd bought time to distract the guy, upset him, the watch tightly kept in his hand, and then he just slipped with his legs, using the fact that Yuta was forcing more on his wrists than his hips, twisted his torso and hit his genitals with his left hip, causing the other one to crawl on the floor.

He stood up quickly, his head spinning and his neck hurting, then he tried to escape, but the other one reached out for his leg and grabbed his left ankle, trying to make him stumble.

Sicheng kicked and panicked; he let out a cry for help while losing his balance for what could be considered the longest second in his entire life, but then managed to free himself from Yuta and ran out of the room, and, of course, of the house.

Frantically, he stumbled down the stairs, trying to ignore everything that didn't concern his escape and he managed to get out of the door, through the little park near the buildings and out in the city again.

He didn't dare to look back, not even once.

He was seriously scared and, for the first time, he felt that emotion building up in his chest so violently that he had to stop running at some point or he'd have just died of a heart attack.

He hid behind some trash cans in a dark alley and he tried to catch his breath again, feeling the stranger's hand on his ankle and wrists like an iron mark.

He knew he didn't have to be so bold, but he was so used to steal that he thought he didn't affect him anymore... but, eventually, he still was weak and immature. He didn't grow up at all and that was on him. It was his entire fault and he should've been more careful.

He should've brought his cellphone too, because now he felt stuck in that alley with no one to help him out of there, only trash cans at his side, protecting him from strangers walking on the main road.

He barely made it there and wasn't sure if the guy from the house followed him or called the police: what if he'd have been kicked out of his family? What if he'd brought shame on them for making a poor job on that “watch heist?” What if he'd be forced to roam the streets again late at night for food and a place to sleep?

He was really panicking this time, feeling his bottled up emotions rising against him and his coldness... should he talk about that or fall silent and forget about it? Deal with it on his own?

As he was focusing too much on his thoughts and couldn't stop feeling guilty about his imperfect actions, Yuta was still on the floor, trying not to move too much because of the pain he felt between his legs.

Chasing the kid down would've been totally useless. He just stole the famous watch and that was kinda “fine” for him, but he had to tell Jungwoo and then call the police to fill a report and give them a description of the kid based on what he saw, otherwise it would've been really useless and stupid.

Also they'd definitely have to change locks.

He tried to stand up, but pain ran through his body, so he slowed down until he was able to reach his phone in his pocket and dial Jungwoo's number.

He answered after four rings. «Hi Yuta, what's wrong? Did you miss me this much?»

«Shut up, it's serious» he started abruptly, his voice still shaken. «A kid robbed us».

«What the fuck?» Jungwoo almost choked on whatever he was drinking. «What the actual fuck? If this is a joke it's not funny».

«A kid stole your ex boyfriend's watch, Jungwoo. If I remember correctly he said that he just wanted the watch, he kicked me in my genitals and then run off. I have to call the police but I first wanted to inform you».

«No wait, Yuta, wait...» Jungwoo quickly said, trying to calm him down. «You can't call the police, really.» He seemed really serious and the japanese guy couldn't really deal with that answer.

«What the fuck are you saying?»

Jungwoo went silent for a bit. «I have to deal with this on my own. Do you remember the boy's face? Was he like a teenager?»

«Jungwoo what the fuck are you saying? Are you for real?» Yuta was shocked by his answer, like he was dreaming about that phone call and now he had to poke his own skin to wake up.

He thought Jungwoo would've known what to do, would've made the right choice by backing him up and actually help him fill a report and instead... He wanted to “deal with it on his own”. «What the fuck do you mean by that?»

«I mean that if you call the police they will get back at you and they will kick your ass Yuta... because they're not good people. You saw what happened right? They came back for a stupid watch. I should've sold it sooner...»

«You should've give that back if you knew they were freaking criminals!» he shouted, literally out of himself. «What the fuck is going on with you lately? Are you nuts?!»

«Can you please calm down? If they didn't steal anything else then just consider yourself lucky; they can be pretty nasty if you ask me. I'm saying this out of experience, so trust me. It's better not to call the police and if they have the watch now, it will be all over once I get to talk to Lucas about this. You will never be in touch with them, I swear on everything I care about».

His voice was heavy and Yuta knew he was trying to speak the truth... but still, he thought it was a very fucked up situation and didn't really know what was the right thing to do.

He wanted to call the police, tell them what happened but on the other hand... he'd become aware of what his roommate just said to him and didn't want anything bad to happen.  
He seemed to really know a lot about that “group” and he didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

«Why would you date a criminal Jungwoo... just tell me why».

«I didn't really know until the end. I just thought they were all friends hanging out, what could I do? Sue them for what? ...being all together? Being all chinese?»

He was quite right, but still, Yuta couldn't figure out how Jungwoo fell in that trap, how he didn't notice...

«Alright, we'll do it your way. But if it doesn't end by Monday, I will call the police».

Jungwoo let out a sigh of relief.

«Thank you».

«But I will come along with you, wherever you are going. I'm not leaving you alone, shithead».

* * *

Mark has always been a good kid; like a really good kid at everything he did or attempted to do.

Perfect grades at school, athletic skills, a real talent for rapping and writing songs and a good christian education that affected his everyday life with a shitload of thoughts and sense of guilt.

He was into guys. He always has been since first grade and had always a clear mind on his likes and dislikes: and surely he liked boys. A lot.

But growing up in a catholic house where both his parents where really strict about life in general and schedules and morals, Mark couldn't really came out to his parents as gay nor could he ever show sympathy for lgbtqia+ people or, as they like to called them, “the sinners”.

He could only pity them under their roof so when he moved from Canada to South Korea, where close-minded people were everywhere and homophobia was likely to be the “normal” point of view, Mark really felt like suffocating.

He couldn't focus on his studies anymore, he couldn't succeed in everything he did and he surely couldn't keep lying to his parents like that: he fell into a cycle of depression that barely made him recognize himself when he looked at his reflection into the mirror.

So he started writing songs even more than he did before, he started dreaming about a music career and a platform to use to talk about important issues like acceptance, diversity; he dropped out of school and ran away from his home in Busan to try and start a new life in Seoul.

That's where he met his soulmate, Johnny.

As they were both hanging out at a gay bar with their friends, they eyed each other for a bit, studying each other, smiling at each other... until Johnny came up to him with the excuse of buying him a drink... and then, the truth came up to him like a slap on his face.

«I'm actually underage. I'm eighteen, so I can't really drink alcohol» said Mark in a polite tone of voice.

«What's an underage boy doing at a bar? ...man, I was looking forward to fuck you, but I guess I should back off» said Johnny, crystal-clear and sharp like a knife, laughing his way out of that “mess”.

«Oh. Yeah, I mean... you're really straightforward...» Mark felt shy, he nervously let out a laugh and he blushed really hard, looking down at his feet.

«That's how I like to be, in order to avoid misinterpretation...» he let out a sigh, then looked at the barman. «Alright kid, I'll offer you a juice and a cigarette if you want. No double ends, just some chatting. I'm already bored and a bit high, so I need entertainment».

And from that night, they became really good friends; actually, Johnny developed this brotherly feeling for him, this sense of protection that he never felt for anyone but Mark. And he eventually ended up sharing his apartment with him and also his job at his own personal shop, hiring the younger guy for help with customers and helping him with money.

Now, he was really close to his first goal: paying a bar to let him play his music in front of a live audience.

Depending on how much well he would've gone, he could even earn something from it, not only visuals or just audience.

And he was really shaking at the idea of his performance so that he went on singing all morning behind the desk in the shop, rapping about rhymes that were really difficult to understand sometimes, catching everyone's attention by being a bit loud from time to time and entertaining some people that gave him compliments about how cool and dedicated he seemed.

He smiled to them and politely invited them to the show or simply asked to spread the word about it, in order to gain a bigger audience.

Johnny, who was really supportive of his career, felt his chest warm every time someone stopped to ask if he was a trainee or something like that.

He valued his talent so much that he really felt like he deserved his time to shine and to be recognized by everyone... so he just let him sing and rap and entertain their customer while selling phone deals, wi-fi modems, iphones and so on.

«You seem really excited» he said during lunch; both were sitting on a step on the back of the shop eating the sandwiches Johnny made for both of them.

«I actually am. I think I'm going big this time, it's gonna be huge. Are you coming with someone tonight or are you alone?»

«I'll bring someone with me».

Mark seemed excited. «Who? Do I know them?»

«You actually _do_ in a certain way... I asked the rain guy out and he said yes».

«I told you he was into guys, I saw it right in his eyes!»

Johnny laughed and reach out to Mark's neck with a hand, giving him a gentle pinch. «You're my gaydar... but don't push it too much. I'm actually interest in knowing this one, he seems a lot of fun».

«Does he? He seems really shy. I thought I was your type of guy» he commented, completely ironic.

«What would you know about my type, you smart mouth?» Johnny pinched his neck hard, making Mark laugh and moan in pain a little bit, forcing him to give the elder a soft punch on his left leg.

«Leave me alone, I was just saying that to upset you».

They kept joking around with each other for a bit, making fun of some people they used to date – and that was because Mark'd mentioned “Johnny's types” – and then they head back inside after their lunch break.

Early that evening, Mark left the shop to go home, wash up and head to the place he'd perform, and Johnny was left dealing with his customers on his own.

Not that he disliked it... he was actually quite comforted by the peace and quiet around him, so that he could deal with his thoughts on his own without Mark rapping about being his own Persona and fighting homophobia with intellectual comebacks.

Though he loved listening to Mark going on about those topics with his own rhythm, he needed some quiet time too and he had his own rituals before closing his shop for the night: he would serve his last customer and then head in the back of his shop to drink some iced americano he'd make early that morning while listening to his favorite songs and relax for at least thirty minutes. Then he'd close the shop and head to dinner back at his place or in some of his favorite restaurant, alone. He would rarely invite some friends, but it happened sometimes.

That particular night he went straight at home after his coffee-moment, he ate some pizza leftovers from friday and then slowly showered, making himself look presentable for his date with Jaehyun.

He didn't tell him where they were going drinking, but he'd send him a message to let him know that he was going to pick him up at nine thirty, since Mark's stage would begin at ten thirty; when Jaehyun replied asking if he'd have to wear according to some particular dress code, Johnny was finally able to see his profile picture and look at his smiling face.

He definitely was cute.

Handsome, even, to be completely honest; and since they met eyes at the bar, he really had one thing in mind and that wasn't just physical attraction.

He'd always been aware of himself and really bold about flirting with others and letting them know what he'd do to them, but he never really felt curious about someone so much that he couldn't get them out of his head... and Jaehyun really hit his senses with his stare.

He didn't even know why, he just felt there was something strange about him, something different. Something that could make him wonder why he was so curious about him... and he knew he'd pushed the right buttons with him, because he certainly caught his attention by speaking his mind.

He got a bit lost in his train of thoughts, causing him to be a bit late on his schedule, but he managed to arrive on time in front of Taeyong and Jaehyun's house. He parked his car in an alley nearby and walked toward the door of their apartment, patiently waiting for them to open up.

He'd dressed in a very casual and “classic-grunge” way, black tight jeans, a white t-shirt and his favorite leather jacket in which he could keep his phone and car keys in an internal pocket.

Jaehyun, on the other end, wore a pair of light-blue jeans, a pastel cream shirt and a camel coat with a belt fluttering around whenever he walked; he welcomed the older guy with a shy smile on his face and his ears went slightly red. «Hi» he said and let him in.

«Hi, Jaehyun. You look really good in that coat.» Johnny noticed how his cheeks turned peachy and couldn't help but feeling proud whenever he was showing that vulnerable side.

«Thanks... it's my favorite» he replied, trying not to feel awkward. «Would you like something before going out? Taeyong bought some beer today... and he's in the kitchen if you want to say hi...»

«Sure, why not. I drove myself here, so I guess we won't be late because of a beer» he said, implying that he was taking him to an event.

«Where will we go?» Jaehyun asked naturally.

«My co-worker Mark is having his first concert at a pub we usually go to. He's really good and I wanted to go and support him. And, of course, have a date with you, too. I hope you like live music».

«Say hi to Mark from me.» Taeyong emerged from the kitchen with a beer can in his hand, wearing his pajama. «I've been feverish last night and I'm not feeling too good even now, so I can't really go...»

«He told me this morning... how are you doing?»

«I'm feeling a bit sleepy and weak, but I'm going to bed soon. Do you want some beer before you two go out? Jae, remember your keys and don't drink too much, alright?»

They took the time to drink together with Taeyong and chitchat a bit and, around ten o'clock, they both were in Johnny's car, a black Kia that smelled like new and fresh pines.

«We got lost in other topics but you didn't answer me» Johnny said, two minutes into their roadtrip, after Jaehyun got to choose the music from Johnny's phone.

«Was it about live music? If so, I love it... but I thought we were just going bars to drink».

«I actually get really bored in doing that. I thought that you'd like something more classy than just drinking and staring at people around us» he was clearly joking and trying to set up a relaxed mood and Jaehyun certainly appreciated the effort.

«I actually don't like to drink that much... even if when I do it, I drink a lot. But it rarely happens, so knowing that we're going to a concert really made me happy».

Jaehyun was excited, even if he didn't let himself show much of that happiness that he felt: he was actually really nervous, but from what he could see, Johnny was a really cool guy to hang out with and aware of what the other people could've been into.

He liked that about him. He could feel it was a genuine trait of his persona.

«Good, I'm glad about it... and you seem to have a good taste in music too: I love The Neighbourhood» he said shortly after. «I've an actual playlist with their songs in it, and some Arctic Monkeys too».

«What's it called?»

«Something like... Inspirational, I don't remember it well. I have way too much playlists on that account».

«Alright...» Jaehyun started looking for it, scrolling down with his finger. «I love Arctic Monkeys too, by the way... they're great».

«They're one of my favorites. There's no day worth living without listening to at least one of their songs».

They both chuckled at the hyperbole.

The pub was so crowded they barely made it to the bar counter.

Both of them revealed to one another that they didn't like it when a place was too crowded and Jaehyun was sincere by saying that he felt really anxious at the idea of being accidentally touched by strangers and walking in the middle of a crowd... so Johnny offered to physically protect him by being the first one to dive into the crowd and let him follow his path.

«That was very kind of you to do. Thank you, Johnny» he said once they got their drinks and they were able to sit next to each other, waiting for the concert to start.

«Not a problem. I don't get anxious in a crowd, I just get annoyed so it was the right thing to do» he said, taking a sip from his Irish Whiskey and smiling at Jaehyun. «Is it something that was builded up during your life or have you always felt anxious about crowds?»

«It's a bit complicated to explain... I don't really feel like to talk about it» he replied, his fingers playing with the straw of his drink.

«No problem. Are you okay, though?»

Jaehyun nodded and smiled. «Yes, I just felt a bit overwhelmed but now I'm fine».

«We could go somewhere else after the concert, if you want» he suggested, meaning he was keen to look for a place less crowded than that one. «Or maybe once is all over, the place'll be less crowded, I think».

«It's not a problem, I like it here... and I'm feeling much better, really. But it's actually sweet that you care about how I feel».

Jaehyun never felt, in his entire life, the amount of care that Johnny was showing him in just a couple of hours.

He never really knew what was like to be “seen” so clearly by someone and, for some moments, he was really unsure about what to say to him, so he added nothing to his sentence.

Silence was his most recognizable form of letting others know that he was comfortable; when Jaehyun fell silent, it meant that he could be in the same room with someone and he wouldn't feel strange if there was no conversation between them.

He loved silence as if it was some kind of intimate poetry that could share with just few other souls.

«Of course. It's the least I can do».

When the concert started and Mark greeted his audience with a big smile and a warm “welcome!”, they were both drawn to one another, their knees touching a bit and Johnny's left elbow on the counter, casually supporting his back, while his hand was hanging really close to Jaehyun's right arm.

Mark was wearing a white sweather with flappy and opened long sleeves, some black pants, black and white sneakers and a round black hat on his head that made him look even cuter than Jaehyun could remember.

He introduced his first song with the title, calling it “The Seventh Sense”.

«It's a song about revolution. Emotional revolution, preservation of personal identity, the constant fight that we have to go through to in order to be seen as who we really are...»

The music started flowing, setting up the mood for what it seemed to be really a huge hit for Jaehyun: he immediately got into the song's rhythm, making him slightly swinging his head. He noticed that Johnny knew all the lyrics and he started acting on them, smiling and bending himself a bit over Jaehyun's right ear, whispering « _baby, baby, we'll take it slow»_ and making him blush really hard, shivers crawling down his spine.

Johnny didn't touch him, he wasn't being clammy nor he wasn't really doing anything apart from whispering in his ear and making him feel like his heart was on the verge of an heart attack... but he really didn't expect it.

«Don't do it» he said, almost whispering. «It makes me feel strange».

«Did I overstepped it?»

«No... no, it's just making me feel strange».

«Can you give me the permission to do something?» asked Johnny out of nowhere.

«For what?» Jaehyun looked at him, but he could only see a smile on his face and hear no response. He let Johnny reach his face and could barely look at him in the eyes, when he felt his lips caressing his right cheek with a soft kiss.

He blushed so hard he couldn't really focus on anything else but the strange warmth that gentle touch left on his skin.

«Thank you for letting me do it» whispered Johnny, while the song ended and a cheering crowd applauded Mark, enthusiastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fanfiction and leaving feedbacks.  
> It really means the world to me and the kindness people is showing me it's overwhelming.  
> From this chapter begins the real story... I've introduced more or less the majority of the characters and I hope you guys will like them as much as I love them.


	4. Concert.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny sees someone with whom he can't deal without being angry.  
> Mark has a crush on Lucas, but he doesn't seem to notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( English is not my first language, so I'm truly sorry if there will be any typos, errors and so on during the chapters.  
> I really wanted to try to expand my knowledge and a fanfiction about my favourite couples in NCT seemed like the perfect solution ).
> 
> IF YOU'RE REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT THESE FOLLOWING TOPICS AND TRIGGER WARNINGS, PLEASE AVOID THIS FANFICTION AT ALL COSTS, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE WORSE BY CHAPTER BY CHAPTER.  
> I DO NOT SUPPORT ANY OF THESE DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOUR AND I DO NOT INTEND TO ROMANTICIZE ANYTHING ABOUT THEM NOR I WANT TO GET PEOPLE HURT BY THEM.
> 
> ( T W . ) PLEASE READ CAREFULLY.
> 
> Past traumas and childhood traumas will be fully described: this means that sexual violence and abuse, pedophilia, phsychological violence, manipulative and demeaning behaviours, suicide, self harm, depression, homicides and graphic description would be included.  
> Presence of dysfunctional relationship in the past AND present.  
> Mental health issues discussed all along the chapters, especially PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Anger Issues, Internalized homophobia and transphobia, gender disphoria.  
> Sometimes homophobic/transphobic slurs are used by some characters.  
> Hybristophilia.  
> BDSM dynamics, possible "disturbing" kinks involved: blood play, breath play, torturing, humiliation, knife play, role play, consensual rape-simulation, forcing into submission, pet play.t
> 
> If any of these could possibly harm your mental health or your state of mind, please do not continue reading.  
> Safety first!

His shiny and sparkly eyes were visible even from a long distance: when Mark was on stage, every single pair of eyes were on him and he looked really flawless no matter what he did.

He could really enchant the whole world with his attitude and it would've been a pleasure to look at him even for hours: that's what Jaehyun thought until the last word of his last song.

«He's a real talent» said to Johnny, once the crowd started to part ways: some groups of friends just went out on the balcony and some other groups just crawled back to their tables and seats, leaving the floor in the center of the room visible again.

They got much closer physically since Johnny left a soft kiss on Jaehyun's cheek, making his dimples pop out because of the never ending and shy smile on his face: it had the power of capturing Johnny's attention from time to time, leading him to reach the younger one's cheek with the tip of his finger, making them closer and closer since their bodies were one against the other.

«He is.» Johnny whispered in his ears, making Jaehyun shivers in strange pleasure. «You smell like peaches, did anyone ever tell you that?»

Jaehyun was really into cuddling. He loved to feel embraced by strong arms and feeling petite between those; he really liked the sense of protection a person could make him feel by just hugging him and stroking his hair... but he was also so reluctant to physical contact, especially if touched in specific parts of his body and that was making him nervous: he really wanted Johnny to embrace him fully, to put an arm around his shoulders and feel his whole hand on his cheeks, caressing his skin and playing softly with his dimples, but at the same time he wanted to put some distance between them, just so he could've avoided whatever could trigger his anxiety.

«We were talking about Mark...»

«Yes, and I'm now talking about you.» Johnny's voice was soft, even affectionate. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe he was really trying to step up his game, even if he really didn't need to in Jaehyun's eyes.

«No... I don't get that often because I don't let people sat this close to me or let them touch my cheeks» he answered honestly, making the older guy smirking a little bit.

«So I'm lucky I could touch your right dimple twice and even put a kiss on it?»

«Don't get used to it, you just corrupt me because you offered me drinks» he tried to defile the topic with irony, but he knew how much of an excuse that was. «And you have a soft touch... like, considerate... I don't know, it doesn't make me too much nervous, I like it».

Johnny let out a soft chuckle. «I like it when you tell the truth, Jaehyun. You're even cuter than when you pretend to be in control. I like to see what you're hiding underneath that skin of yours...»

«Am I interrupting something?» suddenly Jaehyun was brought back from Paradise City down to Planet Earth and his eyes met Mark's. He smiled shyly and shook his head, while Johnny quickly took the word.

«Hey Mark. Looking damn good tonight, wanna hook up? Watching you on stage made me horny all of a sudden» he joked, making his roommate laughing.

«Shut up, I'm here to introduce myself to Rain Boy» he said, letting Jaehyun know about the cute nickname they gave him after that “incident” on Wednesday. He thought he would make him feel awkward to be seen as some kind of stereotype, but he definitely loved rain, so that actually made him smile. «I'm Mark Lee, nice to meet you! I hope you enjoyed the show».

«Jaehyun Jung, it's a pleasure» he followed. «You're a really good performer, I really look forward to an album or a Spotify debut. I would like to listen to your songs again».

«I already love you.» Mark giggled, making his expression childish-like and even cuter than before. «If you're on SoundCloud you can listen to them there. I can send you my tracklist through Johnny or if you have a Line account I can send the link directly to you».

«I would really love to! Each way is fine» he said, looking at Johnny that was currently finishing his second beer and listening to them chatting, his hand clawed in Jaehyun's thigh.

Was it some kind of claim? Was it a possessive gesture?  
Jaehyun couldn't figure it out, but Johnny didn't let go even for a second since Mark had started talking to them... and he didn't seem to have notice, but at the same time, Johnny didn't seem to be looking at Mark, but beyond him, his eyes focused on someone who Jaehyun didn't really see.

«Would you join us for something to drink?» Johnny asked abruptly to his roommate, his hand still on Jaehyun's right thigh. «Do you mind, Jaehyun?»

«O-of course not...» he replied, his voice shaking a bit because of the grip. He thanked the pub's manager for putting on some music again or otherwise he'd be heard by everyone nearby.

«Sure, I don't mind if you don't mind me being the third wheel» he said honestly, now looking at Johnny's hand on Jaehyun's thigh and then behind himself, looking for the person that seemed to have made Johnny upset. «Oh god, he's really here».

«He is» repeated the older guy, his voice overflowing with a sense of nuisance.

Jaehyun stayed silent, but he was clearly confused. _Who the hell was that they were talking about?_

He eyed the people behind them, trying to figure out who was this guy that was able to get on Johnny's nerves, but he didn't see anyone that could possible match an the face of an asshole in Jae's mind.

«Ignore him, he's here just because I invited Lucas and Haechan, so he came too. I won't be surprised if the other came too...» explained Mark, he eyes now reflecting on a glass full of some sweet and colorful drink.

«You should've told me. At least I could've just ignored him and save Jaehyun from this conversation.» Johnny wasn't the angry type of guy. His tone was always calm, even magnetic sometimes, and he seemed pretty mature in dealing with his emotion, so that a scolding would turn off as a simple statement that could be perceived just as calmly as it was.

Mark nodded, in fact, taking a small sip from his drink. «I know. I'm sorry... I forgot. I was just happy about Lucas being here after his break up».

Jaehyun was just listening to them talking without interrupting their conversation: he just wanted to get some perspective on the whole situation, but also he didn't want to overstep any boundaries.

He was a curious soul but he knew too damn well his limits and he would've not ask for anything. On the other hand, he felt his body stiffen because of Johnny's hand on his thigh: he didn't seem to have noticed, so he was trying really hard not to panic, but he ended up excusing himself and head to the bathroom, trying not to be too awkward and give them the impression of running away.

Once he reached his destination, he closed the door of the bathroom cubicle behind him and locked it so that he could safely lean his back against it and take a deep breath.

His legs were sensible to the touch, especially in his inner thighs; not because he was really susceptible or horny... he really wished it was like that.

He was so shaken by people touching his legs because, as his chest, that parts of himself were off limits for everyone: too scarred from his past to be touched by strangers or friends, Jaehyun didn't really have the opportunity to talk about his past with anyone.

He always had to come up with his own plan even when he was very little and whenever he couldn't express what was going on in his head, he usually physically ran away or he diverted the topics into some other stuff.

On the other hand, there was another thing that he found really difficult to deal with, especially knowing how much Korean people could be close-minded about it: he unzipped his pants and looked down at the bulge between his legs, knowing it could move and slide down his crotch if it wasn't packed good enough to endure through the whole day in the same exact position he'd put it in the morning: he adjust the packer – a well made and realistic prosthetic of a penis that he used to pee standing on his feet, to masturbate whenever he was in bed – since he couldn't really deal with his assigned genitals at birth – and just to feel his missing body part whenever he felt so dysphoric that he'd start to dissociate from himself.

It seemed to have slide a bit down on the left, so he adjusted it and zipped up his pants again, hid hand now resting on the bulge to feel it and to let him know that no one could've missed it if someone had to accidentally touch him there.

No one would've known who he was. He just had to go through six months to a year and then he would've had his own real penis and he wouldn't have had any more problems with touching and feelings and penises falling off whenever he moved and stuff.

He tried to think about that last image as something funny that could've happened in a safe and trusting environment, like it was some kind of cheap comedy made for transgender people, when three knocks on his door made him realize that time has passed really fast.

«Jaehyun, are you okay?» Johnny's voice now was clearer than it ever had been during that entire night; the silence in that small space emphasized his tone so much that the Jaehyun could've felt it through his spine.

«Ah – yes. I'm sorry, I just had to...» he tried to come up with an excuse, but words died during their trip along his throat. «I needed some... peace and quiet».

«Did I do something to bother you?» He didn't force his presence through the door, nor he asked Jaehyun to open up and he appreciated it so much. «If I did, I'm sorry – I don't have an excuse. I just didn't pay much attention...»

«No, you – didn't. I just started to feeling anxious, I don't like physical contact, I just needed to get some fresh air.» He felt guilty by not letting him know sooner, but before Johnny's hand had reached his inner thigh, Jaehyun felt almost okay with him teasing his cheek and get closer to him.

«Understood. Then I'm really sorry, I was too caught up in my anger to notice...» he explained. Jaehyun could hear him sighed with his hands against the wooden door. «Wanna get out of here? Mark's with his crush right now. We could drive to somewhere quiet and talk. No touching, no puns intended».

Jaehyun felt his heart beating so fast he thought he soon would've had an heart attack. But do he needed to get out of there? Of course.

Did he want to spend more time with Johnny, just the two of them? Maybe. Or maybe it was just his drinks talking in his place. He certainly didn't want to listen to the possibility that he really wanted to be just the two of them.

He first nodded, than realized the other one wasn't able to see him. «Yes... we can... go to the park near my neighborhood. I can walk home from there so you could hit the road right away and you won't have to take a detour...»

«Can you unlock the door, please?» asked Johnny, gently, and Jaehyun just followed his words, unlocking the mechanism and slightly peering out of the door opening. He found Johnny's with his head slightly tilted and a warm smile on his lips. «I don't mind carrying you home or spending time with you. I won't let you walk alone at night, understood?»

Jaehyun's ears turned red and his cheeks went slightly pink, following the sunset's colors of his own embarrassment. He didn't really expect that outcome, but he appreciated it so much.

«Will you ever come out of this place? I get it that it's kinda cool and comfy, but I'm jealous, I feel like your in the VIP zone of the bathroom and I'm just a poor peasant waiting for his fifteen minutes of notoriety».

Jaehyun laughed so hard at that he felt his stomach hurt. He got out of the cubicle with his arms crossed and his sight directed to the floor beneath him, and slightly bumped his shoulder against Johnny's. «You're an idiot» he said, trying not to come off as rude. «You almost made me forgot why I was here».

The older one laughed, too, his eyes sparkling like honey in the sun. «Glad I'm still THAT asshole that can make people laugh».

They both got out of the place, trying to avoid unpleasant people and crowds and they safely got to Johnny's car, driving away from that bar, to a place where they could both enjoy each other's company without being interrupted.

Mark was head over hills since Johnny left him alone with his crush. He assured him they'd get to hang out with Jaehyun as soon as they could, but he called it a day for that moment and preferred to go away with him, or else he would've got angry over things that should've been in the past, but still hurt.

Johnny wasn't the kind of guy that lived in the past, but some things very still difficult to process, like cheating... and that person, the only one that he'd ever loved, was now the only one that could really piss him off in 0.2 time.

«I don't really care. We agreed on avoiding each other, but he's the one that got hurt and it's just been six months. I don't expect to go back to being friends anytime soon, even if I miss him».

Ten was talking calmly, his voice calm. «I didn't notice him, but I guess he was with someone?»

«Yeah, he got open to the idea of dating again when he met this guy and I got to see him because he came to our shop on Wednesday morning» answered Mark, keeping the details to himself. «He's doing okay».

«Well, I still miss him, I hope I can come visit you? Will he be pissed off?» asked Lucas, drinking his pint of beer without flinching even for a bit.

«I don't think he would mind, he still consider all of you friends.» Mark looked at Lucas with blushed cheeks, getting Ten's silent attention. «But how are you doing? You went through a break up too recently...»

«It's okay, man. I got to my turn-out point and back on my feet. I'm free, there's nothing more important than freedom» he answered enthusiastically.

«Until yesterday you were ranting about how much you've been a total asshole by giving your ex your precious watch. Clean your mouth before talking about freedom, sometimes you're just a whiny big baby» replied Ten, ice growing colder in Lucas' spine.

«Mean!»

«Truthful» he corrected. «There may be people in here that could take your freedom for clear feelings when it's not».

He was clearly talking about Mark's crush for Lucas, but he was too blind to see them or understand what he said. «What?»

Mark was glad that the guy was drunk, or he would've died of embarrassment.

He'd always had a huge crush for Lucas but he never confessed his feelings since the older one was always dealing with different people, in and out of relationship, and never got the time to actually look at Mark the way Mark looked at him.

Ten has always been aware of that and he felt particularly protective over Mark's persona and they ended up talking about it sometimes, but he never got the guy out of his feelings.

Lucas was a douche – but he wasn't a bad person; he just wasn't aware of how flirty he could be, he liked to roam from bed to bed, he liked sex and older people, he liked to be praised but how capable he was in giving other's pleasure... but he never really felt “mature” emotions toward someone. He thought he did, but whenever he fell into a “stable” relationship, he ended up ruin it because of his impelling nature.

«Keep drinking big boy, maybe you'll find you answer at the bottom of that glass» said Ten, his feline-eyes longing for some pleasant faces on the dance floor. «Anyway, you've been really good on stage Mark. Have you ever considered auditioning for some big company? I'm sure they'd be lucky to have you as an emerging artist».

«Yeah, but I don't think I'm cut off for the job. So much pressure...»

«When you're on stage you shine like that famous star that's near Orion, I think you will easily deal with pressure and stuff» said Lucas, blathering.

«You mean... Sirius?» asked Mark, impressed by the comparison.

«Of course I am serious!»

Mark could barely catch his breath because he started laughing so hard that even people around him turned their head to see what was going on.

«He meant “Sirius” as the name of the star you mentioned...» intervened Ten, as if he was the translator between the two of them. «I should get something to drink and then we should piss off, his mind's already flying to the moon».

Mark nodded, even though he wasn't too happy about them leaving. He wanted so desperately to spend some time with Lucas that he wasn't aware of the time passing by nor of the fact that he really couldn't stand alcohol that much and got drunk easily.

«Ahh – yeah, I didn't know how to call it. I just thought about how bright it was» Lucas giggled, his cheeks slightly red from embarrassment or from alcohol.

* * *

Was he mad? Was he disappointed?

He didn't really know, but he sure wasn't happy with the outcome of that night.

He rocked it on stage, he spent some time with his best friend and his crush but in the end... in the end what he really felt was loneliness and nothing more.

He'd spend years trying to catch Lucas' attentions and all he could obtain was a comparison with a star of which he didn't even know its name.

He even felt frustrated. He wanted to vent out but the person that always listened to him was now out with his date and maybe he'd be with him the whole night.

 _Damn I'm so sick of it,_ he thought, _Lucas' fucking douche. Why I keep trying to make it happen with him..._ he asked himself, dealing a number on his phone.

He knew he was up even if it was two in the morning. He knew him too damn well.

«Haechan?» he called when the other one picked up the phone.

«I was sleeping».

«No you weren't, don't be lame. Can I come over?» he sat on a bench, legs crossed. «I don't need anything, I'll leave in the morning».

«Asshole» Haechan sighed. «It's Lucas, I feel it».

«Stop knowing me so well, I feel attacked».

«You're stupid, Mark, that's different. I know how much stupid you can be by falling for people that doesn't feel the same way about you. Come over so I can fucking scold you for real and smack that idiotic brain of yours out of your head».

Mark let out a small laugh, knowing that those words were their code for screwing each other until they'd fell asleep like two babies in a cradle.

He walked to his house, almost running, and got there in thirty minutes, his breath shortened. He knocked on his door, trying to make himself presentable, when Haechan opened the door to him and slapped Mark's face for real.

«Welcome home, bitch» he said, smirking at his friend's surprised expression.

«What the fuck Haechan!» he cried, caressing his own cheek and looking at him in extreme shocked. «Why did you it me so hard?!»

«Because you deserved it» he said, moving aside from the entrance to let him in. «You can avenge yourself if you want, I don't care. I actually like being slapped in the face».

«Oh, come on!» Mark pushed him and received a push back, with a whispered “fuck off”. He reached Haechan's wrists and pinned him against the wall, looking at him in the eyes. «No you fuck off».

«Since I wasn't the one trying so desperately to get someone's attention, I guess you're being overly sensitive, you know?» Haechan smiled, his words purposely pointed at Mark's ego.

«You're a piece of shit sometimes» he said, biting the younger one's bottom lip so hard that he made him whimper.

«Only because I have to get you out of your own head.» If it wasn't for Mark's firm grip on his wrists, Haechan would've already pushed him aside. But in that particular moment, he was just so caught up in that war against the other one's lips that his temper just focused on winning that battle.

He freed his wrists by shaking them, his hands on Mark's neck and his tongue wrestling the older one's. If he'd looked at himself from an outsider's perspective, he would've called himself stupid for that lame ass move that he made when the Canadian guy called him.

He should've just told him to go fuck himself for real, especially because of that Lucas of his, but, instead, he found himself physically fighting against him for supremacy, now both on the couch, his back against the cushions and the upper part of his pajama ripped off, Mark's lips sucking on his nipples, making him moaning loudly as if the neighbors couldn't hear them screwing around Haechan's place.

They made two roommates ran away because of their bad habit of being so loud and obvious, so now Haechan lived alone in a smaller apartment, even if he paid his rent almost double the number of his old place.

Mark bit his belly while unzipping his pants, making the younger one tighten his fingers around his hair, arching his back and feeling the tension rising in between both of their pair of legs.

Haechan's hand reached for Mark's bulge, sliding his fingers between his pants and boxers and stroking his clothed erection with his limited reach, just so he could piss off the other one, making him feel a small amount of the pleasure he could've gave him.

Mark responded with a small grunt, going all the way back to Haechan's chest, biting one of his nipples on purpose, making it swollen and red like a cherry.

«Fuck you» he said, again, spreading his legs when he felt Mark's finger playing with his hole, his neck arched backwards. «Piece of shit».

«Shut up. You like it.» Mark licked Haechan's lips before shutting him up completely with his tongue down his throat and his hips moving against the younger's hand, trying to take whatever form of pleasure he was giving him, even if it was very subtle.

Mark needed it more than anything in that moment: he needed to feel empty-headed and full at the same time. He needed to feel something that wasn't discontent with himself and his own feelings toward someone that wasn't really interested in him. He needed to be appreciated, pleased even and, egoistically talking, Haechan could give him what he wanted even if it was for just half an hour or an entire night.

Maybe he was being just like Lucas, but in that moment he didn't care and Haechan seemed more resilient that he'd ever been.

Their clothes were all around the room, laying on the floor, on the coffee table, wherever. It had always been like that between the two of them: messy, uncoordinated, needy, almost ravenous.

They always seemed like they were wrestling each other instead of fucking, but they liked it that way: one wrapped around the other one, their hips deeply involved with one another, without even thinking about who was fucking whom.

Mark pushed his way in between Haechan's legs and felt like Heaven was dripping down his spine, his lips biting Haechan's and their fingers ravenous anchored to one another's skins.

The older one became rougher and rougher, he thrust his cock in him like he was digging to find gold in a mine, hitting purposely those spots that knew very well were his favorites, along with playing with his dick, stroking it until Mark's hand was covered in Haechan's leaking pleasure.

Their moans became so loud they didn't really get to dirty talk or do anything else other than just screwing and trying to reach their highest notes together.

Once they got satisfied, both their breathes shortened, Haechan let out a sigh that was something in the middle between a sign of relief and a cheer.

«I could get it if Lucas would fuck you like this, but you didn't even see him naked, what the fuck are you hoping for?»

Mark elbowed him. «Stop talking about him, I get it».

«No, seriously.» Haechan's tried to avoid the hit, but he ended up whining and punching him back. «What draws you to him?»

«I don't know» he answered, trying to make him stay still, but ending up under the younger's body, switching up in their position. «I think it's just that I'm so used to it I cannot really get over it».

«I think you're just scared of being alone or feeling lonely.» Haechan, sometimes, was so brutally straightforward that Mark didn't really know how to deal with him.

«Thanks for peaking in my insecurities».

«You're welcome.» He smirked. «Wanna go for another round, Mark?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me ages to write this chapter and I'm not that satisfied with the outcome... but I hope it can be good and that I can move on to and easier one!  
> Thank you for your support ♥


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